Over 14 years in student ministry I have literally talked to hundreds of students. Many of those students came from families that had experienced divorce. I have never talked to a student who saw more good come from a divorce than bad. With this in mind I pose a question….
“Why do you think divorce hurts students so much?”
I want to hear from you.
You don’t have to use your “Fo’ Real Name” if you don’t want to.
I just want to hear your heart, and hopefully learn how to love and shepherd you better.
Please use discretion about putting too many details up. This is the World Wide Web you know. Be honest, but smart. I will be moderating comments, but I just wanted to leave you a reminder.
BTW…I will be giving a $20 gift certificate out at FireFall next week to one of the folks who leaves a response. I will randomly draw a name and give you some money for pizza!
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I think it hurts them because it makes you feel like your mom or dad doesnt love you or just doesnt care about you and your feelings, and when you are with your mom more or your dad more, your dont understand alot why you cant be with both, and when you have to live more with one you might think that its cause the other parent doesnt want you, and i asked my mom and dad one time if it was right that my friend disliked her dad because he cheated on her mom, my dad told me its wrong and he should not have done that, but she shouldnt be mean and disrespect her dad because he loves her and he did it too her . he did it to her mom not her and i dont quite understand why people do things like that, and i know im only a teenager but i still have been “cheated” on by someone i care about alot alot alot!! and it does hurt and we both talk about God and stuff and were building a relationship off of better things and its working out better but i think that it hurts them because of the amount of atention they stop recieving and they blame themselves for reasons. :))
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:56 am
I think it hurts so much, because family is supposed to be something you can always depend on. They should be the people you are able to turn to no matter what and trust to always be there for you when you need them. When your parents get divorced, especially if it doesn’t work out peacefully or quickly, it can feel like you don’t really have that anymore. It’s like your family is falling apart, and often you might wonder if it was your fault. You might start to feel really alone, and it makes it even harder if you have to move away, live primarily with one of your parents, and completely start over in a new school/church/community/etc. God designed marriage as a very sacred covenent between two people, and when they break it and get a divorce it hurts both of them, too. It can be hard to see the parent you are living with feeling that pain, and although they still love you very much they might not always show it well. If your parents try to put you in the middle of things, such as by refusing to communicate with each other or speaking negatively about the other aroung you, that can be very difficult to handle emotionally as well. You will still love both of your parents even if you are disappointed in them, angry at them, don’t feel like you do, or whatever. It’s hard to feel like one or both of your parents don’t want you or don’t want to be with you. It’s hard to retain respect for someone who has hurt you so much and destroyed your family and everything you were used to. It hurts to feel like you have no control or your thoughts and opinions don’t matter in something that affects you so much.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 am
Thanks so much for your honesty. I hate that you have been through all that. God is faithful and willing to help you overcome this in your own life
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:40 am
I think divorce hurts so much because it cuts deep, to the very core of who you are - It makes us question everything we once thought was true about our family and even ourselves. No matter how much are parents tell us they love us, or that it is not our fault, or that we had nothing to do with it …. It is SOOO hard not to wonder … Could I have done something differently, was I not good enough, and ultimately what is wrong with me that someone would leave me??
I can’t speak for all children of divorce, but I know in my own life that is a question that has haunted me for a LONG time…. But i want to encourage all those that may feel some of these same things… it has taken MUCH prayer (diligent time on my knees allowing God to heal and restore the deep cuts that divorce has made on my heart), some time in counseling, and the most amazing Godly husband that God has blessed me with - I can honestly say that although my heart will always be scared by divorce God is conintually healing those wounds and molding me into the godly wife that he has called me to be.
One other little side note…. I know that this is SOOOO hard, I promise I know because it took me almost 10 years to truly forgive my dad…. BUT Forgiveness brings such indiscribable peace - it is the key to allowing God to work in your life and heal your heart.
Also if anyone ever needs to talk about this issue please, please know that I am here, I have lived it and with God’s help I am learning how to live a life that breaks the cycle!
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Your message last night was so powerful. I have been married for 26 years now and I can tell you that it has not always been easy. We both came from homes of parents that stuck it out even through the most difficult of circumstance. Sometimes it is nothing but the Grace of God that helps you survive. It is so easy to think you are in love as a teenager, and you may be. I was! Our relationship started at 14 and 15 years old. I think the key was that we built our relationship as friends first. And when the going gets tough that is the thing we fall back on. If you can learn to talk though everything, even the hard stuff you can survive. The one bit of advice I would pass on to kids is just remember that your parents are human and we make really dumb choices sometimes, so pray for us. Pray for our relationship with our Heavenly Father, with our spouse and with you. We should always consider your feelings in our choices but sometimes our human flesh gets in the way. I believe that prayer is vital in the way each day plays out. Every relationship that you have beginning with your relationship with the Lord, shapes your relationships in the future. Trust, patience and compromise are key…..HARD but key!
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’ve never had to experience this… But I’m sure it’s something terrible to go through. I think that when a student experiences something as hard as this, they start to worry about who they are and what kind of a person they will become… They worry about what kind of life they will live and what will happen to their family. If they have siblings, they could be thinking about them or what their friends will think. They really shouldn’t keep it to themselves, that will only make it harder. If they tell someone, that person can pray over them and encourage them. It’s good to know that you have someone who will catch you if you fall.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
from pesonal experiences, i think it hurts because it just feels likke your parents are just tearing apart from each other and apart from you. devorce leads to more and more complicated things which can lead to horrible actions being made or hurtful words being said . devorce really hurts the child or student because, i mean the people you look up too and wanted to picture your life like, are no more. and in my situation my parents just want nothing to do with each other. but the most hurtful thing i have ever had to deal with in my life, and i can remember this like it was yesterday, my dad comes storming in and locks my mom out of the house.. my brother was in his room the whole time and didn’t even know what was going on. and i was standing in the den, and i was around 9 or 10 and i didn’t think anything was wrong really, i mean i was so small and i just didn’t know about everything going on and i just started talking to my dad like nothing was wrong, then my mom was banging on the door and finally my dad opened it and my mom rushed over to me grabbing me and trying to take me away and my dad got one arm and my mom another and literally was pulling at each arm. i ran into my room. the point of that was to just show you that even though that happened like 4 or 5 years ago, when one of my friends get in a fight or something i panic and run away because i am just so scared that something will evolve and happen, in a bad way.
another thing that is hard for a child is when you have siblings and you have to stay strong for them. it is so hard to not cry and to pretend like nothing is wrong when, reality check you are torn to pieces inside your heart.
also the child always feels like it is their fault and i did for such a long time . i went to counciling because i got soo upset thinking everything was MY fault and thinking i could have done something to prevent it. devorce puts so much stress on everyones lives that they can turn into bad things,and bad choices. you feel like you can’t talk to anyone because they will tell you exactly the oppisite of what you are thinking. they tell you it is not your fault and trying to comfort you , but all you know is in your mind is that you think it is your fault.
but when you find that ONE special person who knows what exactly to say and knows exactly how to comfort you , it is good to know if you fall someone will catch you and pick you up. and that ONE person lead me to Christ !
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I have never actually had to experience this devastating event, but I bet it is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person, especially a teenager. You see, teens don’t like to think about the positive things a lot. In a divorce, a mom and dad goes their seperate ways, and a teen starts to worry about their future. “Will this happen to me? How will it affect my children? I am never going to do that!”, is all going through their head. Nobody plans on getting a divorce, but a lot of the times…it happens. My heart cries out for every single person that has had to go through this.
-Love ya! Malachi 2:16
October 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
my parents divorced when i was just a 1 year old, so basicly i have lived almost my whole life with my parents apart.divorce hurts a lot.you look at other people who’s parents are together and you think to yourself, why can’t i have that?why does it have to be me that my parents don’t love each other and divorced?most of the time you have people come in and get married to your parents and it feels like they are pretending to be your mom or dad.for a while i used to strongly dislike my step mom and my step dad and when i would get mad at them i would tell them,”you’re not my dad.” or “you’re not my mom.”.now that i am older i realize that i was wrong and that God gave me two more people to care about me and to love me.as i get older i become even more determined to break the chains and to stay with my wife and just her until the day i die.oh and one more thing.when my dad told the judge that my mom was going to flee the country with me and my older brother,my dad got custody ove us,and because of this my mom was devastateded and found Christ!so even the best of things can come out of a divorce and i thank God for my mom’s decision almost 15 years ago!
October 29th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
i think divorce hurts students because their family has just benn split apart. and parents may not realizae how much it hurts, but it does because my parents have beeen divorced ever since i was 5. and dont get me wrong, i love having two families, but sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have one family again.